The Forbidden Words

As I watch my son grow.....I can't help but to reflect on my own life. How my parent n family raised me, what they've done right and what would I like to make better for my son. The biggest thing that I want and trying to do is instill in him that with efforts and hard work he can achieve almost anything in this world.

When I was growing up, it was obvious that music and art were not my strong suit. Out of love, my parent was trying to encourage me, unfortunately in the wrong way. They kept saying:" It's ok honey, our family never had any talent in music and art, it is hard to become an artist and musician, they require gud talent!"

That's something I don't wanna say to my son. I might not be able to play even the simplest musical instrument or draw beautifully to save my life. But He can at least try, I want him to try music, art, sport, anything and everything under the sun (except drugs :D) I want him to give his best, and if he should fail he still can raise his head high and said :"I gave my best!". I don't want him think certain things are hard or he's not talented enough. He can be what he wants to be, as long it will make him happy and successful.

So there are somethings that I forbid myself and others around me to say to my son:
1. Our family doesn't have any talent on.........
2. You don't have talent for.......
3. You can't be a ..... because it's hard
4. ......is hard to learn

Hope fully my son will grow up as a confident and happy person!

Maid o Maid

When she finally arrived in our house yesterday afternoon, we could feel our body relaxing, our mind winding down, even the baby was laughing. Who is she? our new maid!

You might think that we are so lazy or spoil that the arrival of a maid can makes us so happy. But if you live in Indonesia and you don't have a maid, especially when you have a family with young children, you're probably: A. Too poor to have one; B. You're a super woman/man; C. You live with a huge number of extended family members.

Now, when I say poor I don't mean european / american poor, I mean you earn averagely 1 USD or less a day. Because in Indonesia, even the middle class have at least one live in maid. And if you are the rising middle to upper class you probably have one live in maid, a full time nanny for each of your children and even a full time driver. The real mark that you've "arrived",  you have at least 3 maids, a garderner, 2 full time drivers, and at least one full time security guard for your house.

The reason why having maid is almost essential in most Indonesian household, is because labors are cheap here. In East Java, a live in maid is given about 450k-500k (about 50-55 USD) / month, a part time maid is given about 10k-20k (about 1.2-2.2 USD) per day. In Bali, the price is 50% more, because the living cost is also higher.  The other reason for maids is that most things in Indonesia are still done by hand. From cooking to washing clothes, for example in most western countries if you want to cook and don't want the hassle, you just go to your nearest grocery shop / supermarket and voila, you got pre-package or frozen goods, in Indonesia, cooking means;
1. you go to the nearest wet market, for your fresh veggies, (live) meats and spices, must come early if you want to get the good stuffs.
2. Bring home your groceries, make sure you wash them thoroughly and properly, this means check for bugs n worms, n make sure no pesticide stuck on your veggies.
3. If you are going to cook Indonesian food, that means peeling, crushing and grounding your spices from scratch by hand, using pestle and mortar.
4. Almost forgot, most Indonesian food require coconut milk, which means, you buy fresh coconut flesh, grate and squeeze them yourself, by hand.

And after you finish cooking and eating, wash all the utensils by hand since dishwasher is as rare as blue moon. O, almost forgot again, most Indonesian don;t have washing machine, meaning all clothes are, again, hand washed. So, all of those things to do and young children (or a very active 8 m.o. baby like me), you can see now why a maid or two are so helpful.


When the baby hasn't arrived yet, we use part time maid to clean our house. Now, with our bundle of joy in hand cleaning the house is not only a nuisance but a huge burden. Our first maid was wonderful, she loves our baby, great at house work, hard working, reliable, and honest. Then came the Eid, being a muslim, she celebrated by going back home to her (lazy deadbeat) husband and her 2 daughters. And the cliche story happens again, the story of "my (lazy deadbeat) husband" doesn't let me go back to work. So we lost a great maid.

To fill the void and ease our burden, we used a part time maid, again, she quit coz of her kids. Finally, after days of just barely surviving, we got the call from the recruitment agent that they have the maid that fits our criteria.

I finally was able to have time for "free" massage from a friend who happened to need a body to train her masseuse therapists for her up and coming spa, also really appreciate the sane time to be able to write this blog. And praying to all the power that be, that this one stays for a long time................oooo....and if you pray with me, maybe next time i will write about the maid stories and tips about them......................

Having a son is a money saver....for me!

When the two blue strips appeared on the test pack, I immediately imagine a little girl inside my tummy, even after my "usually can feel and right in the end" husband told me that is going to be a boy, I still told people and myself that I would like the baby to be a girl. And of course my mum, who already have a grandson from my brother also helped me in my prayer.

The reason that I wanted a girl: because I want to shower her with all the cute little things that they sell and made for girls, that was not available when I was growing up. When I was a small girl myself, the choices for clothing and accessories for us was really limited. And if your mom or one of your family member couldn't sew, though luck! In this case, I am really lucky, my mum, the superwoman, is a genius when it comes into making clothes for her family. I can bring a magazine picture or show her what my idol was wearing on the TV, and she would replicate them so well that you would think my mum was the original creative designer of the clothes on the magazine. But that of course have it's limit. First of all, as genius as mum is, there are plenty of things she can't make such as jeans, and not mentioning how busy she is, with 4 kids, a house to run, a business to manage. So ultimately I have to wait for weddings, new years, birthdays and big events to happen before I can have new cloth.

These days all you have to do is walk into a children clothing shops and you can buy anything clothing style for your baby, and if you ever decided to make a twin style for you and your baby, that's not hard to do also. I used to walk into Next Kids, H&M juniors, Mothercare and itching to buy girl's cute summer dresses, jackets, shorts, pants, t-shirts....the thing is I don't have anybody that I can buy for. My brother, cousins and my best friends, for some reasons they all decided to have boys. I was so happy when the daughter of one of the teacher I worked with was celebrating her 4th birthday, I finally got a reason to buy one of those cute dresses for her. 

I was a bit down I found out that I was having a boy. But when 3rd trimester started rolling, and not only begun to fall in love more and more with my baby, I realized what a blessing for me, the shopaholic, to have a boy instead a girl. I begun imagining me running around malls buying all the cute dresses that probably be worn 2x before she will grow out of them, hoarding cute berets, headbands and accessories that she probably wore once and lost them or worse yet hate them. And not only I saved money from future spending, I also save money because my nephew's baby clothes are handed down to me.

As I observed two of my brothers, another revelation came to me. Boys for the most part for go the need to beautify themselves, example: my brothers still wear their high school gym tee, eventhough my youngest bro left high school 5 yrs ago, and the other left it 10yrs ago. The tee is pretty bad shape, but they don't care, as long is still comfortable. My sister and me on the other hand, have tons of clothes but everytime we open our closet we said the same thing, "we don't have anything to wear". And that only on the clothing department, let also see the different in toiletries, for us girls, shower means we use the best smelling soap the shop has to offer, the smoothest shampoo on earth, the silkest conditioner we can find, and that just to name the few things we use daily, boys in the other hand, for the most part the can live with a bar of soap to clean for head to toe. Reflecting on this, I am more grateful for a boy. And please don;t get me started on the double standard our (meaning asian) society put on girls.

What if my second child is a girl (if I decided to have another one! :D ), than what do I do, you might asked. Well........we'll cross the bridge when the time come!

Limitless!

No...i'm not gonna talk about the movie.....I am going to talk about my son and his future...........

"Don't worry, art and music talent never runs in the family!" that's what my parent and other family members said to me when I came home showing my report card that I only got C minus for singing class and art & craft class in elementary school. And that's not the first time nor the last time i've heard those words spoken to me. So for many many years, I believe that. I believed that when I was kicked out from the school choir line for being to slow to learn the notations, and I used those words again to justified cheating on the high school drawing final test by submitting my friend's work.

And I definitely heard those words again when my uncle's wife, a piano teacher, told me that I need to loosen up my fingers so that I can play the piano better. So instead of learning to loosen up I gave up, because "art and music talent never runs in the family!"

But later in China, I learned that despite the no talent for art and music, I can do a decent job on my chinese calligraphy (I will never gave up my day job to become a calligrapher though! :D) and my biggest discovery.....when my Yang Qin (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yangqin)teacher told me that I did a great job and my hand bounce so naturally on the strings............my o my.......That encouragement words fired me to practice almost everyday, whenever i had the time or then school opened the practice room. Unfortunately, to practice was cut short because the room was renovated and i never really found out what happened to the yang qin. But I was so in love with the instrument I decided that when I have the money and place, I will buy one and practice again.

By now you probably asking what's all of that got to do with my son future..............I don't want my son to grow like me. I want him to explore all the possibilities that life is giving him. I will encourage, support and when needed push him when he wants to try a new activity. I believe that everybody is born not knowing what we can or can not do in life. How many times in we heard this: "our family don't do well in sport"; "our people are not a traveler kind"; etc............just because some one in our family can't play sport very good it doesn't mean that the other can't either, maybe they are not going to as famous or as good Beckham but why not try first. Just because a lot of people in the neighborhood don't like being to far from home, it doesn't mean that other people can't explore the wide beautiful world.

Those words, are what I called negative subconscious programming (NSP). NSP can be deadly crippling, yes, I said deadly, because NSP has many people died without knowing what he or she can really do in life. And for vowed that as long as I can I will not give NSP to my baby or anybody around me.

I will give him my cheers and claps, whether he  is a ballet dancer or an engineer.

I will give him my hugs and encouragements, whether he's a painter or an accountant.

I will give him my love and supports, whether he's a writer or a pilot.

He can be whatever he decided to be, as long he will try the best that he can, be happy in what he decided to do and make a decent living on it. For him, the sky is not the limit.............

My baby fell off the bed!

"UUUUAAAA" my baby wailed from his napping room, I rushed down stair to see if he's ok. And He's not, he was laying on his tummy on the floor, that meant that he fell from a 40 cm high bed............I just screamed hysterically and picked him up from the floor, my husband n Wit (my maid/nanny) came rushing to see what happened. I started checking his body for any open wound while my husband is calming him down. After we are sure there is no skin cut, we made sure he's aware and not vomiting. As soon as, and then I asked Wit to get his milk and bag ready, I ran down the street to my neighbor, who happens to be a hired driver, and asked him to take us to the nearest hospital.

On the way to the hospital, each of us can't helped but blame ourselves, especially me, as I prayed for him, I couldn't helped not to do the what "IFs" scenario in my head. What if I didn't go up stair to talked to my husband, what if Wit wasn't busy sweeping the front yard...and many more what "IFs". The hospital is close by, so before I could think of anymore "IFs", we arrived at the BROS (Bali Royal Hospital) ER door. We were the only patient there, thank goodness, that meant the doctors can concentrate on my baby without distraction. From initial check the doctor said that he looked ok, but just to be sure he's sending my baby for CT Scan. When we heard that we're kinda skeptical, not on the scan, but on my son being still for at least 2 minute while the machine is scanning, saying my son is an active boy is an under statement. But with my husband holding his arms, I held his chin, and we both talked and sang songs for him, miraculously he stayed still long enough for the machine to scan his head. After that we were told to wait for 30 minute for the result. It was the longest 30 minute, and with us thanking God and Mother Mary, the scan showed that everything is normal, no blood clot, no hemorrhage, we can take him home and do a 24 hrs observation, if he vomit a lot, got a big headache and started to sleep outside of his sleeping patterns, then we need to bring him back to hospital.

On the way home, we again thanks God and Mother Mary for protecting our son also praying in the next 24 hrs nothing bad gonna happen.

When we got home he was sound asleep, as we put him on his crib, we hugged and cried. We promised him and each other that we'll try harder to protect him.

For now he's looking normal and healthy, and every time he smiles at me, I pray for his safety and well being.

No cellphone? how did you live?

My hubby n I sometimes would talk about the world would look to our son, and we could imagine that is the question he might ask when we'll tell him that we grew up without cellphone and internet.

Today I read an article :

http://www.babble.com/products/mom-products/old-technology-vhs-floppy-disk-cassette-tapes

And I know that we are not alone.

I remember talking to my 12 yrs younger sister about Unyil (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Si_Unyil), and she shook her head in confusion, this is way before her time. It hit me again when one of my tutoring student was asking to proof read her biology assignment that she got from Google and the worst was when I was trying to encourage a 20 y.o. guy, that I know from my foodie circle, after one of his picture he'd taken was slammed by the a more experienced photographer,so I told him to just shoot a lot of pictures after all he's using a digital DSLR camera so when he doesn't like the picture he can just delete them, unlike before when we still use rolls of films. And he looked at me like I'm from Mars. All of those people are only 12-15 yrs younger than me, but they just might as well be 50 years younger.

Yes, I do feel old when I think about all of those memory and the idea that my son will say that I am old because when I was growing up people still use telegram when they want to send a very important message quickly, or the fact that I knew how to use the typewriter, and that when I said pen pals, that doesn't mean my Facebook friends or my email buddies, that really means you are using your pen and write news or info to you pals on a piece of paper and then send them snail mail.

Any of you have similar experience?

I am the real Tiger Mom

Before you imagine a chinese mother with a whip in one hand and a stack of math books and music score on the other, standing behind a frighten little child playing a piano. Here is the truth :

My son is born in the beginning of 2011, about a month before rabbit year begun, so his chinese zodiac is tiger, hence I am the real Tiger mom.

Well, regardless the all pun intended title joke, there is something in my mind that I just gotta share with the world.

I was reading in Wall Street Journal about this book, and the controversies it has caused. So when my husband was in Singapore, I asked him to get me one copy. First impression, this book is a bit over priced, especially judging by the size and the page count. Moving on.......as I read the book, I must say I am not all surprise by Amy's approach on educating her girls. Just like her, I also come from a chinese immigrant family, my paternal grandparent came from Fujian province and maternal grandparent came from Guangdong province, China. Sharing the almost the same background, I totally understand her fear about her girls losing the good values of being chinese. My parent, especially my dad, always tries to instill us with the values of Confusius and what it means to be a chinese. He always told us that be respectful to older people, especially your parent and teachers, and most importantly don't forget that whatever you have now is because everybody else before you, e.g. your parent, grandparents and ancestors worked hard, so if you want to maintain and even increase what you have you must also work hard to get it. That will always stuck in my head.

The big difference between her family and mine, hers came from a scholarly background, mine is thru and thru merchant bloodline, so far none of my uncles, aunts, cousins and siblings are scholars. Although, my family always emphasize the importance of education, and require us to get at least a bachelor degree in any major of our choosing (getting a master degree will be better) but in the end they always push us to establish our own business. 

As I said in the beginning, I'm not all surprise with her way of teaching, my family kind of does the same only without the big drama. My family also uses the shame technique in teaching us about everything, from school homework to social interaction. "Aren't you ashamed that you only got 80% in you math quiz?" my mom asked this questions many times when I was in school, It didn't matter how hard I studied to get that points or that the fact only 5 of us in the class got more than 75% right. Did that hurt my feeling? Hell yeah....Did it shattered me as a human? Nope.....Did I try harder next time? Sometimes......Yes, I must admit in my household I'm more like Amy's second child, shaming me don't always work. I have more of carefree attitude toward life, and my parent eventually got that and stop using shame method on me.

My point is that Amy's education style maybe a big shocker in US or even most of the western countries, but if you talk to most asian moms especially the chinese descendant moms, they probably not only agree with Amy, they might even applauded her for her strength and tenacity in teaching her girls the chinese way.