I am the real Tiger Mom

Before you imagine a chinese mother with a whip in one hand and a stack of math books and music score on the other, standing behind a frighten little child playing a piano. Here is the truth :

My son is born in the beginning of 2011, about a month before rabbit year begun, so his chinese zodiac is tiger, hence I am the real Tiger mom.

Well, regardless the all pun intended title joke, there is something in my mind that I just gotta share with the world.

I was reading in Wall Street Journal about this book, and the controversies it has caused. So when my husband was in Singapore, I asked him to get me one copy. First impression, this book is a bit over priced, especially judging by the size and the page count. Moving on.......as I read the book, I must say I am not all surprise by Amy's approach on educating her girls. Just like her, I also come from a chinese immigrant family, my paternal grandparent came from Fujian province and maternal grandparent came from Guangdong province, China. Sharing the almost the same background, I totally understand her fear about her girls losing the good values of being chinese. My parent, especially my dad, always tries to instill us with the values of Confusius and what it means to be a chinese. He always told us that be respectful to older people, especially your parent and teachers, and most importantly don't forget that whatever you have now is because everybody else before you, e.g. your parent, grandparents and ancestors worked hard, so if you want to maintain and even increase what you have you must also work hard to get it. That will always stuck in my head.

The big difference between her family and mine, hers came from a scholarly background, mine is thru and thru merchant bloodline, so far none of my uncles, aunts, cousins and siblings are scholars. Although, my family always emphasize the importance of education, and require us to get at least a bachelor degree in any major of our choosing (getting a master degree will be better) but in the end they always push us to establish our own business. 

As I said in the beginning, I'm not all surprise with her way of teaching, my family kind of does the same only without the big drama. My family also uses the shame technique in teaching us about everything, from school homework to social interaction. "Aren't you ashamed that you only got 80% in you math quiz?" my mom asked this questions many times when I was in school, It didn't matter how hard I studied to get that points or that the fact only 5 of us in the class got more than 75% right. Did that hurt my feeling? Hell yeah....Did it shattered me as a human? Nope.....Did I try harder next time? Sometimes......Yes, I must admit in my household I'm more like Amy's second child, shaming me don't always work. I have more of carefree attitude toward life, and my parent eventually got that and stop using shame method on me.

My point is that Amy's education style maybe a big shocker in US or even most of the western countries, but if you talk to most asian moms especially the chinese descendant moms, they probably not only agree with Amy, they might even applauded her for her strength and tenacity in teaching her girls the chinese way. 

Learning is fun.....

Yap..........Learning is fun........And you know it!

Before you try to deny that statement, stop and think for a second. When you learned something new, be it how to shoot a great picture with your digital camera or just finding out that brangelina just announced they are separating (just an example, please don't shoot me! :D), I bet you are more than just happy, you probably be thrilled. The idea of you knowing something more than everybody else or just knowing that you'll be in the loop, like everybody else always makes us feel good.

Now....I'm not writing this to encourage you to learn anything new, because you probably already are. I'm want to talk about how to make your children have the same notion. I'm sure even if you don't have kid yet, you've seen or heard about the horror stories from parents and teachers on how they tried to get children to study and learn something.

Actually children by nature love learning, the need to learn is already embedded in our DNA. Think about it, babies learned how suck milk from their mother's nipple or bottle as soon as they are born, then they learn how see, how lay on their tummy, how to crawl. The question is if we have this DNA inside of all us by nature, why do we drag our feet every time the teacher or our parent said that we need to learn how read or count. That's because our earliest memory of learning is, us being forced to sit down and listen and repeat, the worst part is when we failed we got punished oneway or another, and when we succeed we don't always get compliment that we deserved.

And when it comes down to start planning for my baby's education, we (me n my hubby) decided no matter what he will learn, we will try as best as we could to make it fun for him. We really don't him to have the idea that learning is boring and restricting. First of all, we agreed that he will start learning as early as possible also fun as possible too.  So, as soon as he can see, we started to have him learning math and reading. Don't worry we are not those kind of parent that pushes their children to become another Einstein or Mozart. Our goal is to help him struggle less when he's growing up. And every time we try to teach him anything, we made sure that he and us are in a good mood. Trying to teach anybody, especially children when you are in a bad mood or in a hurry is a sure recipe for disaster. Because you will be impatient hence you'll have less ability to listen or sense what your students needs.

The other key point for us is encouragement. Every little accomplishment is complimented and given reward. For example, we teach math by showing cards with different number of random placed red dots on them, and every time we finished showing 5 cards, we cheered, clapped and told him what a great kid he is. Even small accomplishment, such as flipping and laying on his tummy will get him the hugs and kisses rewards from us. We try to instill in his memory that learning is fun and every thing that he does count. That way hopefully as he grows up he will never lose his appetite for learning.

The Mirrors that Never Lie

Children....................they are life's honest mirror. From them you can tell a lot about what kind of parent they have, because children never lie. And i'm not just talking about what children said literally but mostly about how their reaction, behavior and attitude on a lot of things in life.

I got this conclusion long ago while I was working in early education field. I saw more than my fair share of these cases. All the books and experts quote that said, you can't expect a child to do what you said and not what you do, are right on the money.  For them, your words are the last effecting edge. And if you say something that contradict your action, your children will be very confuse and started to rebel against you. For example, i know a lady who like to brag about every thing she own or bought, from her newest car to her new toe ring, but when she caught her daughter bragging to her classmate about the new toy she got, she was scolded. So, her daughter started acting out and throwing tantrum when the mother is around. In the little girl eyes her mother is punishing her for doing exactly the same thing like her mother, and it's very confusing for a child to get her head around that.

Parents are children first model for everything..........whatever the parent do that's the norm for children. If the parent yell at each other all the time, then when the children started to socialize outside their home, they will get confuse why people don't like it when they yell to other people. For them home and parent are their most important school and teacher, and unlike formal school where we learn from listening and watching teachers explained to us about different things. Children learn from picking the parent attitude and habits. Case and point, I used to know a lady who love reading books, not surprisingly both of her sons, also started to pick up books and read before they even know how to read books, another lady, I knew like spending time in front the TV watching Soap Operas and gossip shows, again, not surprisingly her daughter thinks books is boring and watching TV is the best activity. Children started to mimic and imitated parent behavior and mirror them back to us.

So next time before forcing and poking your little one to eat vegetables or dragging them to join the school soccer team. First check your attitude toward it. Do you cringe or even say it out loud to other people how you hate the smell of broccoli or do you complain that you got sunburn last time you watched your son soccer game. Even when you think they are not listening or watching,subtle behavior, like pouting and sighing your breath when someone mention a certain food or activity, will be pick up by the children. Trust me when i say, saying stuffs like: "Honey, broccoli is good for your health" or "sweetheart, joining the soccer team is great for your body, you'll get to exercise and breath fresh open air", are useless, unless you back it up with real positive attitude.  


I know parent are human too, and as human we are definitely not perfect. We are also shaped by our parent who in their imperfectness, embedded us with ideas and attitude on certain things. Just be ready with explanation when we do slip or made mistakes, cause chances are that they will ask why is it that they are force to eat broccoli when you said to your friend that you hate the smell of it.

Things you will see or find or hear when you live in Bali

When you live in Bali, among the locals then you will see or find or hear:

1. The stray dogs, they are everywhere, and if you live in the small banjar (balinese community) like me, the dogs are actually good security "portal" because they'll bark at strangers who don't live in the banjar. And even though most of them they won't bite, it's a strong suggestion NOT to pet them, they might the gesture, menacing and might attack you.

2. Offerings, you'll see them everywhere, from street side to the beach side, from the posh hotels to common houses. And if you see a big pile of them in front of a house, that just means that house is having a ceremonial event.

3. Hindu temples, nuff said!

4. The cocks, balinese men love cock fightings, so almost all balinese household will have at least 2 cocks in their yard. Trust me, you won't miss them, coz they crow at all hour of the day.

5. Balinese in their traditional attires, when you them, it just means that they are getting ready to pray or doing a communal duty, such as taking care of the parking in the nearby market.

6. Beautiful art work, balinese are craftmen, so no surprise that they can create stunning wood carvings, paintings, musics and dance.

7. Foreigners living among the locals, Bali is such a huge magnet to live that you will find all sort of foreigner living here, whether is in a luxury villas or in a small rented room. From the rich retiree to the broke and poor beach bum, are attracted with the easy going pace and balinese attitude toward life. Not mentioning, the "i don't care what you do as long as you don't bother me n leave me pray" of the balinese, kinda makes living in Bali so much easier, beacuse you don't have to worry about people telling how you should live your life.  

8. Cuisine from around the world, You can find russian food right next to a Padang restaurant, a Greek cafe across the street from the traditional English fish and chips, or Korean BBQ right behind Balinese babi guling (balinese suckling pig). Of course chinese, japanese and italian food is in every street corner.

9. The smell of incense, well....the balinese pray at least twice a day, where ever they are, at home or work place. So you will not miss the smell, even inside the crowded airport waiting room.

10. Bintang, in Indonesian word this means stars, in Bali, this means a cold and delicious beer. 
 
Now, if you are just on holiday, in addition of those things above, you probably will also see or hear:

1. Balinese traditional music, they play it every where, especially if you stay in big hotels, from the lobby to the restaurant.

2. "Hey boss!", also "Massage, wan dalla (one dollar), wan dalla!".............yes, you will hear this especially if you go to the popular beach such as Kuta and Legian. The "Hey, boss!" usually came from men try to offer you bike for rent or taxi or souvenirs, the "Massage, wan dalla (one dollar), wan dalla!" usually came from middle age women, offering a soothing massage by the beach or in of their little spa salon. Now, be careful in interpreting "one dollar", because it doesn't mean that their service or goods their selling cost only 1 USD or AUD, but that is merely a tag line to lure you, if you are interested in whatever they are selling, be sure to ask how much in rupiah. Few years ago, when me n hubby came to Bali as tourist, after getting sick and tired listening to the one dollar offers every time we stepped out of our hotel. So to turn the table around, my husband finally stopped at one of the little store selling sunglasses, since the seller always insisted that everything is one dollar. My husband chose one shade and said:"one dollar right? that means 10.000 rupiah (pointing the board from the money changer booth next door)". At first, the seller tried to explain that the shade cost 50.000 rupiah, but my husband gently and jokingly persist that one dollar is one dollar.....finally, the seller made a compromised, 15.000 rupiah.

So, if you think you have more to add the list.....please don't hesitate to tell me!

closet-phobic

Finally finished unpacking......so good to see the house is no longer cluttered by boxes. But as I enjoy my clean and neat home, I noticed that all of the closets, including the one in the guest room are full, mostly with my clothes, purses and belts.


And what about my baby and hubby's clothes you might ask......well.....all of my baby's clothes and stuffs fit into 2 medium size plastic drawers which i placed right next to his bathing station, to make it easier for me, when changing time comes. My husband's, well like most men, he doesn't really have to many clothes. His clothes only require 1/4 of the shared closet space, even that is too much space.


So again I sat down and started thinking why do I have so many clothes, purses and belts. Again? yes, again. Because every time we have move, I stared with amazement, how is it I can collect so many stuffs. And this time I realized I have more stuffs than ever.

Now, the ironic part is that I bought most of those in Riyadh, where in daily life, women must wear Abaya when going outside their house or compound. Abaya is a long over garment essentially a robe-like dress (wikipedia). So it doesn't matter what you wear inside, heck, you can even go naked and no one would know. But still, the sale sign was just to good to be ignored. And when they're having sale, they're having SALE.....I was so good at finding good bargain even a lot of the women who live there longer than me was amazed that I can find such a good bargain. For instance I found Next working shirt with beautiful ruffles on the chest only for 35 SAR (9 USD), or Express gold purse for 10 SAR (2,5 USD) or H&M dress pants for 24 SAR (6 USD). So with that kind of bargain, you might understand why it was hard for me not to buy them.

Of course I bought all of those before I have my baby, now a lot of the clothes especially the pants don't fit anymore, but I just can't bear being apart with them so quickly, hoping that after breast feeding, I can mustered enough discipline and will power to do exercises and healthy diet, so that I can fit in those pants again. And of course I also can't bear being parted from my Express faux leather jacket and my Charles & Keith black boots. Now in Indonesia, I don't need those two things but since I took me forever to find the right style and price for those items, I'm not planning to parted from them in the near future.

Looking at my closet, I realize that for every purchase I had some kind of "logical" explanation. From "I need it for my work" to "that would just be perfect to wear on a hot summer day by the beach". I'm sure I'm not the only one who did this.


So for all the ladies (or men) who have the same "problem" as me, give me a shout!





P.S. : Next time maybe I'll blog about my obsession with DVDs

Birthday celebration or competition?

About 2 weeks ago, there's a small article on the national papers about the big birthday bash thrown by a famous business man and his "singer" wife for their daughter's 1st birthday. The celebration was held in on of the 5 stars hotel in Jakarta, the rumor goes that they spent 1 billion rupiah (115.000 USD) for the party. After reading that for that party not only they ordered one of the expensive menu set, they also rented one whole floor of the hotel for families and friends to stay one night, i believe the rumor.

And the sad thing for me, is not that the fact the spent money that could feed a family for decades, but the fact that that news doesn't surprise me anymore. It doesn't mean that i condone this behavior and every time it happens i still wonder why on earth would they do that, but blowing big money for a party that the subject of the party doesn't even get to enjoy yet, is something more more common, here in Indonesia.

The news reminded me, few years ago my parent was invited for one year old birthday party, YES, you read it right for one year old! The invitation came under my parent name not under my nephew name even though he's also about the same age. The reason for the invite, the grandparent of the birthday boy is a friend of my parent, granted my parent don't really know the parent of the kid let alone the kid himself. The party was held in one of the five star hotel in Surabaya. Since my parent couldn't made it, so they sent me instead. As expected the party was a huge one, clowns on every corner of the hall, making balloon animals, juggling balls, doing magic tricks; a bouncy castle in the corner of the hall, never ending flow of food (the expensive menu not kiddy menu) and beverages, adults, including the parent of the boy, dress to the nine (yes, we are still at one yrs old bday party), gift piling high to the roof (literally) on the other corner of the hall, a 1 meter birthday cake on the other corner. The medieval theme decoration was stunningly beautiful. Every guest was given a big desk clock as a thank you gift. So was the little boy enjoying the party?....No one really knew...he was, accompanied by the nanny, asleep from the start of the party till almost the end, at his miniature "throne" on the stage. I didn't even know the kid name, not while i was in the party and not now. So the question is who's the party for? the kid or the parent?

As the question popped in my head, my 3 yrs old nephew, coming home from his pre-kiddie school, came in the house and immediately showed me his new t-shirt, lunch box set and a mug, each has some kind of name and a photo print on them. I asked where did he get them. He said it was a tq gift from one of his classmate. Turn out that one his classmate, a girl, was celebrating her 4th bday at the school. At first i wasn't very surprise, seeing all the goodies that she's given, because its customary here in Indonesia. When you are having a birthday party for your kids, the tq gift usually are personalize with the name of the birthday girl or boy. Even the simple goodies bag, which usually filled wit candies and snacks, has their name on them. But the different this time is that each of the t-shirt has the birthday girl name on the front, and on the back is personalize more with the recipient name. Also when i saw the lunch box set, i can see that it was not your dollar store set, it was the expensive ones. And of course since the bday girl's parent already spent a lot of money for her bday, you have to know her face, so they put her photo on the mug.

I wonder by the time all of those kids hit 5 yrs old what would they remember from this, will they remember that their parent spent a lot of money and probably time for they bday party? And if the parent already give such a lavish party when their were young, what kind of party would they asked when they hit 17 (in Indonesia we celebrate sweet seventeen not sixteen)?

I also remembered reading blogs from mommies, complaining that throwing a birthday party is longer as simple as, getting a cake, put up some balloon and cute pictures. It has become a big competition. It's hard not to, even if as a mom you can ignored how expensive or lavish the other kids parties are, but your kid might not. Imagine the kid in your son class who just happened to have his birthday 3 day before him, got a great party, complete with petting zoo, clowns, bouncy castle, magician and even a live professional singer, what do you think your son gonna say when you told him:" for this year birthday, you can invite all of your classmates, and well have a cake, some chicken nuggets and cupcakes."

Well, i just hope i can teach my son to be wise enough, that it's not the party or the cake that matters, it's the love of the people around him that's most important.




 

Children Learn What They Live

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
 

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
 

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
 

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
 

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
 

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
 

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
 

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
 

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
 

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
 

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
 

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
 

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
 

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
 

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
 

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
 

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.